Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
