You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
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