Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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