She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
