If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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