just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
We have so much sex to catch up on
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
