I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
