She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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