I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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