i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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