It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
