Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
BRING THE BAGELS
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
