My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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