I just pynch a tree in the face
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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