Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
