Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
