before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
