Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
