I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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