i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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