i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Randomize
