nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
