Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
