I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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