my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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