Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Randomize
