This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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