I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
