his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
