I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
