Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
