How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Farmville is her only friend.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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