If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
