I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
