saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
