Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
