And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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