the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
