Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
