I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
