Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
