Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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