never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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