Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
