I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
