theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
