Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
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