True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
