The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
