I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Randomize
