I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Randomize
